Another Day

Today has been tiring.  I really want to move on, but things keep happening where all I want to do it call mom.  Then I remember, there's no one to call.  I did dream about her Sat night.  She came to me and told me that everything was going to be all right.  She also kept telling me to, "Just deal with it."  Probably what she would have said to me herself if she was here to actually say it.  I did ask her about what happened and she said that we'd never really know.  I hope it was just my mind trying to prepare the rest of me for that possibility.  The scary part is that I really believe she could tell me these things from wherever she is now.  I just keep hoping that we get some kinds of answers.  Anything would have to be better than this not knowing.

More about Mom

So I keep having these strange feelings like if I could just open my eyes (yes, they're already open), Mom would be standing there. I know it's all part of the grieving process, but damn it's a long process. I think it's harder that her death was so sudden. I can still hear Glenda saying, "I think she's gone." over and over in my mind. I really wish that it all was a bad dream that I could just wake up from. The problem is that I wake up every morning and it's not a dream. As hard as it is for me I can not even imagine what it's like for Anthony. They were sooooo close. She was his only parent. And then I get angry for Lillie. It's just not fair having to grow up without your grandmother. It's definitely not what I wanted for her. I guess in a way it is good that she's too young to remember much. She won't really know what she's missing, but I will.

Almost a month?

It's really hard to believe it's been almost a month that we've lived without mom here with us. She's a constant thought in our minds even when we're not talking about her. We're still searching for what the new normal is going to be. It really almost feels like a different lifetime without her here. It's sad that I don't think she ever realized how much she really touched all of us. I hope she knows it now. I want to believe that she can see us and Lillie and can know what she means to those of us left behind.